By Joe Smith for Vice. Being a drug dealer can be kind of exciting. You’re trading in substances that make your brain feel like it’s being wrapped in one of those complimentary hot towels you get on nice airlines – and, you know, it’s illegal, so it’s got that going for it.

Mostly, though, selling drugs is fucking boring. The majority of my on-the-clock time is spent waiting around for – or travelling to – customers who invariably turn out to be very tedious jebends. That might sound severe, but I’ve been dealing for on and off 10 years, and in that time I’ve realised that most of my clients are one of a few pretty standard character types, and that all of those character types are people who are objectively not fun to be around.

So the next time you call a dealer on a Friday night, warbling about how he didn’t make it to your house in time for you to keep to your 15-minute bump schedule, have a think about this list. When he’s standing there, looking blankly at you, wholly unimpressed, like you’ve just given him a wet-willy at a funeral, have a think about this list. Work out whether or not you fit into one of these categories – and if you do, please do something about it, for the sake of the future of the planet.

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